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Troy's Thought For the Day Archive

Thursday 01/31/08 "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"

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Wednesday 01/30/08 "Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle."

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Tuesday 01/29/08 "Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."

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Monday 01/28/08 "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"

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Friday 01/25/08 "Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it."

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Thursday 01/24/08 "Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal."

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Wednesday 01/23/08 "Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats."

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Tuesday 01/22/08 "The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him."

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Monday 01/21/08 "This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt. "

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Friday 01/18/08 "If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road. "

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Thursday 01/17/08 "The Bible contains much that is relevant today - like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park."

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Wednesday 01/16/08 "I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

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Tuesday 01/15/08 "Don't be irreplaceable because if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."

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Monday 01/14/08 "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

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Friday 01/11/08 "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything!"

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Thursday 01/10/08 "God gave us one tongue and two ears so that we could hear twice as much as we speak."

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Wednesday 01/09/08 "Life is like a roll of toilet paper. Hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment."

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Tuesday 01/08/08 "In the beginning there was nothing and God said, "Let there be light!" And there was still nothing, but everyone could see it."

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Monday 01/07/08 "To err is human. To forgive is not company policy."

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Friday 01/04/08 "Support bacteria. It is the only culture some people have."

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Thursday 01/03/08 "A man must be potent and full of desire to ensure the future of the human race. A woman just needs to be available."

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Wednesday 01/02/08 "If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation."

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Tuesday 12/18/07 "There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."

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Monday 12/17/07 "Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live."

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Friday 12/14/07 "There has been only one Christmas. The rest are anniversaries."

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Thursday 12/13/07 "Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit."

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Wednesday 12/12/07 "Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money."

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Tuesday 12/11/07 "Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!"

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Monday 12/10/07 "Next to the circus, there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."

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Friday 12/07/07 "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

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Thursday 12/06/07 "I got a gun for my wife – best trade I ever made!"

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Wednesday 12/05/07 "I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness!"

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Tuesday 12/04/07 "You should always listen to your heart – and NOT the voices in your head!"

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Monday 12/03/07 "Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates from the animals – except the weasel."

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Friday 11/30/07 "Our problem is stupidity. So let's take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself."

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Thursday 11/29/07 "An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."

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Wednesday 11/28/07 "We would all like to vote for the best person, but they're never a candidate!"

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Tuesday 11/27/07 "The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut."

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Monday 11/26/07 "If God has cable, we are the 24-hour 'DOOFUS Network'!"

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Wednesday 11/21/07 "An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving day."

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Tuesday 11/20/07 "If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast!"

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Monday 11/19/07 "I've got a mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states!"

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Friday 11/16/07 "Always forgive your enemies – but never forget their names."

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Thursday 11/15/07 "It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say – then don't say it."

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Wednesday 11/14/07 "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

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Tuesday 11/13/07 "Never let aging get you down. It's just hard to get back up..."

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Monday 11/12/07 "Never chase after a person, a bus, or a train. Another one will always come along."

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Friday 11/09/07 "Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla."

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Thursday 11/08/07 "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That'll teach you to keep your mouth shut."

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Wednesday 11/07/07 "Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee."

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Tuesday 11/06/07 "Have you ever noticed that the people who tell you to 'calm down' are the ones who got you riled up in the first place?"

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Monday 11/05/07 "Forget the Joneses – I can't keep up with the Simpsons!"

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Friday 11/02/07 "Friends are like bras - close to your heart and there for support."

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Thursday 11/01/07 "All the world is a stage – and apparently, I missed rehearsal."

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Wednesday 10/31/07 "After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can't face each other, but they still stay together."

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Tuesday 10/30/07 "I read about the evils of drinking - so I gave up reading."

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Monday 10/29/07 "When a man talks dirty to a woman, it is sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it is $4.95 a minute."

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Friday 10/26/07 "Baseball is the only place in life where a sacrifice is really appreciated."

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Thursday 10/25/07 "A baseball park is the one place where a man's wife doesn't mind him getting excited over someone else's curves."

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Wednesday 10/24/07 "Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage because they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

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Tuesday 10/23/07 "I have the body of a 19 year-old; I keep it in a freezer in the basement."

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Monday 10/22/07 "Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night...'"

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Friday 10/19/07 "A man is incomplete until he is married, after that he's finished."

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Thursday 10/18/07 "There are a lot of people who spend so much time watching their health that they don't have any time to enjoy it."

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Wednesday 10/17/07 "It's the good girls who keep the diaries because the bad girls don't have the time."

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Tuesday 10/16/07 "Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right. The other is the husband."

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Monday 10/15/07 "God loves everyone, but probably prefers fruits of the spirit over religious nuts."

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Friday 10/12/07 "Some minds are like concrete - thoroughly mixed up and permanently set."

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Thursday 10/11/07 "The good lord didn't create anything without a purpose - but Paris Hilton comes close."

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Wednesday 10/10/07 "I still love nature, despite what it did to me."

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Tuesday 10/09/07 "Why torture yourself when life will do it for you?"

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Monday 10/08/07 "Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers, and cheating on your income taxes."

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Friday 10/05/07 "There are times when I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. And there are times when I am sober..."

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Thursday 10/04/07 "Women have an unfair advantage over men. If they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb."

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Wednesday 10/03/07 "Oh, what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to weave webs..."

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Tuesday 10/02/07 "I'm too shy to espress my sexual needs - except over the phone to people I don't know..."

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Monday 10/01/07 "A mind is a terrible thing to waste. I'm glad one wasn't wasted on me."

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Friday 9/28/07 "Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin. It is the triumphant twang of a bed spring!"

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Thursday 9/27/07 "Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad - and the good stuff is out of your price range!"

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Wednesday 9/26/07 "A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have."

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Tuesday 9/25/07 "Whoever said it is not whether you win or lose that counts - lost!."

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Monday 9/24/07 "I am so damn clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word I'm saying."

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Friday 9/21/07 "To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it."

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Thursday 9/20/07 "Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them."

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Wednesday 9/19/07 "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you're good, is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

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Tuesday 9/18/07 "Without TV, it's hard to know when one day ends and another begins."

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Monday 9/17/07 "Trying is the first step towards failure."

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Friday 9/14/07 "I wrote the book on sex... and believe me, it's overdue!"

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Thursday 9/13/07 "Forgive, oh Lord, my little jokes on thee, and thou forgive thy great big one on me!"

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Wednesday 9/12/07 "Women: they make the highs higer - and the lows more frequent!"

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Tuesday 9/11/07 "I used to be schizophrenic - but we're okay now!"

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Monday 9/10/07 "Women are like internet domain names; the ones I like are already taken."

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